I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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