my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
