that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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