dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
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Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
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I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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