I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
