I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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