the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
