I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
