why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Randomize
