LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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