those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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