If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
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