Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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