too bad you live with your parents still
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
