The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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