I just pynch a tree in the face
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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