At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize