You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
