Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
