I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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