i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
