Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
