I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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