I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
