I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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