Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
