I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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