The brown eye won't let me do that either.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
