a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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