After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
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