when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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