stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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