just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
