I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
