just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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