i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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