Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
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I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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