Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
