Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
