At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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