so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
