Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
