oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
