I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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