Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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