david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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