i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I have feelings that need drinking.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
