he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
