if i can run in heels then i can drive
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's shark week go big or go home
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
