you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
