my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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