i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
