Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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