I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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